It was late October, I started to think about plans for the approaching November holiday, I paused to reflect on the prior year. “Oh last year…”. Smiling from the memory, I was so happy we had done something new.

You Can Go – Just Not Home.

No one knew a year ago, we were celebrating our last Thanksgiving with my mom. We did know for the past five months mom has been living in a memory care unit. We wanted to spend the holiday with her. She said she wanted to spend it with us. How do we make that happen? Who do we include in the celebration? After research and questioning physicians – “Can we bring mom home for the day? ” Short answer, we can do whatever we want. However successful a day out of the care unit can be, bringing your loved one back into their previous residence can be less enjoyable for the patient. It can cause additional confusion. The subsequent return to the care unit can prompt original pleas of, “I want to go home” “Don’t leave me here”. So, yes, we can take mom out of the care unit, but don’t bring her home.

Location, Location, Location.

My sister and I started planning this holiday week in August. How do we bring all the family together? Our family lives coast to coast including grandkids scattered in five states attending school. Where do we host everyone? Not too far for mom to travel. Lots of space for everyone to relax. Huge dining table. After hours of trading possibilities on VRBO and Airbnb with my sister, we selected a property at Lake Michigan. First floor master for Granny and Poppy. Each bedroom had an en suite. Multiple game rooms and living spaces. Big kitchen and a table large enough for everyone – required for Thanksgiving dinner for sixteen.

It’s Time!

After months of planning every detail. Cars were packed. Flights were boarded. Turkey purchased. We descended on Lake Michigan from every direction. We had pre-ordered Mexican food from a local restaurant…perfect for move in night! Cocktails, unpacking and everyone getting settled. Conversations a plenty. Granny was doing ok. She was happy just observing and being surrounded by family. We definitely needed to remind her where we were. She knew all of us, however you could see her mind trying to find the house in a memory. None of us had ever been there before. Everyone moved in with luggage and would leave together. Our thought – mom would not be the only person leaving to go “home” at the end. It would make the transition back to the care unit, more natural.

Granny Logistics.

In an effort to minimize confusion, we chose to not talk to mom about our plans in detail ahead of time. With mom at a facility activity, I packed Granny without her knowing or being involved. Just necessities and layered comfort. I picked up her meds from the nurse’s station. After I left the facility, her husband arrived and escorted her to his car for the ride north. Just like any other outing for them. She arrived happy and was pleasantly surprised to see her sister and grandchildren pouring out of cars!

Ups and Downs.

Unfortunately, the morning after arrival I was not feeling well. Yep, positive for Covid. My symptoms rapidly escalated sending me to bed for the entire week. There were mixed emotions regarding Covid (just like in families everywhere). There were cocktails – some ‘college’ strong. Then more differences of opinions. There was also laughter, smiles and so much food! The Thanksgiving of my dreams, this was not. Isolation, different levels of consciousness and fever were part this holiday. However, it was good for my soul to hear all the voices lofting up from downstairs and drifting down from the game room. I believe each relative had an opportunity to sit and spend time with mom/granny. Granny was at peace and surrounded with people that loved her.

Anyone Ready To Eat?

As with any family get away, food IS key. Happy tummy means happy family. My sister and I spent hours planning the menu for Thanksgiving Day. Deciding who is bringing what and what items will be purchased locally. Don’t forget the recipes! These people will want to eat on the other days too?!? So demanding. We took our ques from our plan for the first night. We pre ordered family style Italian for another night (no need for individual orders). We packed the house with food and beverages! Nobody enjoys the “What do you want to eat?” “I dunno.” “Do you feel like anything?” times 16 people, three times a day. We needed meals to be relaxed for Granny to engage and eat with us. She is never hungry and has been known to retreat before a big table gatherings. Not this time. Ensuring her favorites were on hand helped!

Low Key Activities.

Walks on the beach. A girls’ trip to the outlet mall. Activities in both of the two game rooms – pool, ping pong, arcade games. Puzzles were solved. Afternoon naps enjoyed. Books were read. Mom was able to enjoy a few features that don’t exist at memory care, including a tub to soak in! The house had been decorated with a beautiful Christmas tree. This tree provided hours of entertainment for mom. She ornament ‘shopped’ off the tree daily. They were beautiful ornaments. Least we forget – Alzheimer’s.

Concerns? Yep!

As beautiful memories were made, there was still the reality of “vacationing” with a dementia patient. She is in an unknown location. Risk of wandering? Wandering had yet to be become one of Granny’s usual symptoms. Once I opened the front door to the Lake Michigan house, I knew it wouldn’t be an issue there either. Heaviest door ever! We insisted her suite to be on the first floor, so we could eliminate risks associated with climbing stairs. There was another suite directly across from mom, my sister took it and was able to hear if mom was in the hall. Mom’s triggers included dirt, a mess or God forbid, a dirty mess. She would become obsessed with cleaning. She cleaned before the disease, however further into her decline, there was no stopping point for her cleaning regardless of the setting. This was a concern taking 16 people to one residence – we had to minimize the messes. One of the benefits of pre planning and ordering dinners, the clean up was minimal and quick. Mom was welcome to help when she so desired. Knowing her daily patterns became important too. She wasn’t verbalizing her needs, that ability had diminished. So, by knowing her patterns, we would recommend she lay down for a nap, use the toilet, have water and a snack, take a bath, or work on a puzzle with her granddaughters. This helped keep her hydrated, avoid toilet accidents, kept her blood sugars in balance, thus helping with her mood among other things and engaged.

Have Realistic Expectations.

While most of the family spent hours in the kitchen preparing the recipes to be enjoyed at dinner, I was still in bed. My unspoken concern, mom wouldn’t come to the Thanksgiving dinner table. Leading up to this holiday, there had been a multitude of special occasions over the last 5 years. As the years passed, mom increasingly was absent from the table. Early in her disease, the reason presented itself as exhaustion – she would work herself to the point of collapse. Next it exhibited more as anxiety. Anxiety of being around too many people, anxiety that she wouldn’t know what to do, how to use a fork. I witnessed this. Finally, as her hearing declined, she could not follow a conversation, was not prepared to hold a conversation or answer questions off the cuff in groups. I was not sure my sister or the rest of the family was emotionally prepared for mom to just refuse to come to the table. With God’s blessing, mom was at the table and ate that Thursday. She was quiet but present. None of us knew that would be the last Thanksgiving dinner we would share with Granny.

You Don’t Have to Go Home, But…

An end to the week. Not flawless. But really, whose holidays are? (Stop lying!) Even though I was separated from everyone for most of this one, I would do it again. We packed Granny coming home just like arrival. Everyone getting into cars with luggage to begin their travels home. It was a natural end to the holiday for Granny. When Poppy dropped her off at her ‘apartment’, she was tired and ready to rest. Not one cry from her like “Don’t leave me here”. She was pleased to be back in ‘her’ environment.

Define Success.

I can not say she remembered all of the week. In the days that followed, she did recall interactions with family. Watching my husband and sister in the kitchen preparing food. Working on a puzzle with granddaughters. Being stuffed! That is a win.

Every situation is different. Consult with doctors and providers. We felt the disease had not yet taken her completely and we wanted to celebrate the part of her we still had. Our providers said ok. So we did! Maybe it was selfish. I got to wake up and know she was under the same roof again. Maybe it was not selfish. Mom got to wake up and join family at the breakfast table, morning after morning. And like holidays of years past, we were all together for days.

In full disclosure, the final number of family in attendance was 15. The fuss was for nothing. 🙂

Thank you for being with me on this journey,

Marguerite

The best things in life are the people you love, the places you’ve been and the memories you’ve made along the way.

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