Dear Mom,

Your absence is felt everyday.

In routine daily actions – while grocery shopping, I go to grab a sweet treat for you. Placing an order at Starbucks, I hesitate and need to remind myself not to include your order. The gardens are not the same, they miss you terribly. One of the boys texted, I can’t wait to share their story with you. Your little dog can’t find you!

The world didn’t get the memo – it didn’t stop when you did. Plans that were in the works continued forward. Your sister moved to be closer to you. It seems in your absence, I am the benefactor of that. I am grateful she is two blocks away but a high price to pay. You are missed by all.

My three boys have grown this year. The oldest moved back to town. Our middle son – is working on his third ACL and back at school. He definitely missed his Granny catering to him during recovery. And our youngest graduated from high school and is halfway though his first year of college. They all miss you and miss being able to share their lives with you. I miss seeing you interact with them.

In all of the unique tasks of this past year because of your absence, going through all of your belongings felt like an invasion of privacy. Mom, after at least two large edits – including a downsize from a 3 bedroom house to an in law suite several states away – how can there be so much?!?!!! In addition of the feeling of loss and invasion of privacy, so many unexpected feelings surfaced.

While sorting box upon box of paper, my aunt handed me a letter from you to dad dated 35 years ago. Why did you save this letter? The content was unexpected, from the first sentence it was apparent I was going to be sorry I read it. I had deeply upset and disappointed both of you. As I continued, my stomach dropped. Recalling this mistake was not easy when it was presented through the eyes of the person you disappointed. I woke up the next day still feeling like I was in trouble. I had to remind myself, we had moved forward and this hadn’t defined our relationship. Damn straight this discovery made me cautious as I proceeded through your papers. Hopefully you didn’t save mementos from all the times I disappointed you! (OMG is THAT why there are so many boxes?)

What are we to do with all of these memories? Your memories. Memories I never wrote down and no longer remember the details, only that they were so important to you. With my sister and your sister by my side, we pieced together details. The most important pieces were placed for display or placed for safe keeping. After a pause, onto the next item. I think you would be pleased with how we processed your clothes. It is cold right now and all the outwear went to the women’s shelter for immediate use. Work clothes and jewelry to Dress for Success women. Many will benefit from all your beautiful pieces. You continue to inspire!

Not all that remains is paperwork, there is artwork of all kinds, books, mementos, and familial pieces. We will keep sorting and finding places of importance in our homes for all your most cherished of memories – not jammed into boxes that are hidden in closets, attics and storage sheds. Hopefully each keepsake will bring a smile to our hearts and a warm memory of you to our hearts.

I miss your hugs.

I miss your reassuring words.

I miss your guidance.

I pray you are at peace.

I love you Mom.

m.

“Sometimes life is so hard that you can only do the next thing. Whatever that is, just do the next thing.

God will meet you there.”

Elisabeth Elliot