Within 6 days of my mom’s stroke, the funeral Mass had been said and people were returning to their respective homes across the country. So many emotions. So much to do. Why an expediated timeline? Because most relatives flew in to say good bye; it would not have been feasible to have them return 9 days for a funeral. How?

Those 6 days were business oriented for me. Coordination of people. Coordination of events. That may seem cold – it was what it took to pull together a funeral and all associated gatherings within 3 days.

There was an extensive to do list to accomplish between the stroke and the funeral reception. Not your usual timeline. How we did it? We said yes to my friends, family, and anyone that offered to help. Broken down the key tasks looked like this (not in any specific order):

Food. I had no interest in eating. However, that didn’t mean that others in my household needed to abstain. A mom from my son’s hockey team began arranging meals to be delivered to our house. Thank you! Copious amounts of food arrived day after day! These meals were a huge blessing – no left overs.

To assist in coordinating people that want to help, there are apps that plan and schedule who is bringing what food and when. If there are allergies or special requests, these can be listed. If people want to donate but don’t cook, they can send gift certificates for meals and/or cash via the app. Meal Train is the app that was used in our case. 

Cleaning. Since this is real life, I will tell you I had not completely put Christmas away. Yep it was February. One of my dear friends offered to go to the house and put it all away. The thought of that gave me a range of emotions. I was embarrassed that I had not finished. I was overwhelmed. I was grateful. I said Yes. I was at the hospital with my mom. I no longer had the time as people were arriving within hours. Let people help you, even if it means making beds and loading the dishwasher. Your energies should be focused on you and family.

Notifications. I made key calls, my sister. My aunt. My bestie. From there ‘the old church lady phone tree’ took over. “Can I contact people for you? ” Yes! Yes Please. We have friends and family from coast to coast. Not everyone participates in Facebook or email, so phone calls become necessary. Let your “callers” know the information you want them to share and where people can get updates over the next days – a text group or website or contact person (that is NOT you) .

The Funeral Home. Unfortunately, one of my best friends had lost her husband the year prior. From that loss came a contact. That friend helped me communicate with the funeral home. I was blown away at how much their coordinator did to aid us in this process. Not only did she explain each step out as it arose, she met with us on our schedule during this week. My mom had made her wishes known in the years prior which truly helped moving through this difficult time. Preplanning may be a somber and tough discussion, but it can add an element of simplification for the family left to carry out the arrangements.

Lodging. Don’t over think it. My mind immediately thought of all the people coming in from out of town and how many of them we could accommodate in our house by doubling up and moving people around. An intelligent friend suggested that I let all my kiddos have their rooms. “This event has been traumatic for them as well, they will need to be in their ‘safe space’.” Excellent point. So where do I put the guests? Not everyone will have a friend who manages a hotel – I do (so grateful for her!!). She pulled together a block of rooms and off my plate that concern went. The contact person (named earlier), sent everyone to the hotel. I am confident that other hotels offer room blocks and a friend making a phone call could, coordinate for you.

Food for out of town guests. Breakfast and an evening cocktail hour with food was provided by the hotel. (Love an Embassy Suites.) Other options include the food at our house (the hot dishes being dropped off were plentiful) or guests could get meals on their own. Another solution that was successful for us, a party tray from the sandwich shop, chips and fresh fruit from the grocery.

Church. I stopped by the church office; left with an extensive, printed list of tasks. Select the readings or choose off the church’s suggested readings. Select the music. Find someone to read each reading. Someone to write and read the petitions. Pall bearers – forgot we needed those. Yet another dear friend stepped up and said “I will read and get readers. I will take care of the petitions as well.” A coordinated effort was needed to complete the mass form. Different family members had selections that had significance to them for the Mass be more meaningful. Between reading and music, everyone’s requests were met. All I needed to do was show up to the funeral. If you don’t have a friend to help with these details, I suggest asking the parish office of your church for help.

More Food. A meal after the viewing which occurred the night before the funeral…then a reception after the funeral. Most convenient wins. The hotel had a restaurant that served a meal in a separate dining space for our group. The post funeral reception was held in an event room and food was prepared by the hotel.

Was it the right decision – Yes! Our one request was for pork chops be served following the viewing. My mom loved pork chops, requesting this as the protein was important to us. Who knew that this restaurant’s featured entrée was pork chops! I actually accepted this as a sign. There were a few ‘on the fly’ changes made for the vegetarians. Oops. I never even thought of that, but the restaurant staff was on top of it. The reception food was equally as excellent – I trusted my friend to make the best choices for what was served. This meal was about having everyone together, no food selections held significance to us.

Clothing. This is the last thing that I wanted to do, procure clothes for my boys – either washing them, borrowing them or shopping. So, with the time available created by my friends and extended family – I shopped for suits for my boys, a dress for me** and decided on my husband’s suit. One more outfit needed…

Clothing- for the deceased. In our case, my mom had bought a beautiful dress the prior year and never had the opportunity to wear it. It was perfect. The funeral home gave me a list of all the items they needed and I added jewelry. (You have the option to have the jewelry removed for the body in placed in its final resting place.) All of this was dropped off as requested. Then I received a text – the funeral home needed something with longer sleeves to cover her arms. After a quick look through her closet where I found nothing appropriate, I had to go shopping again. This was an extremely heart wrenching experience. I chose two options and would return whichever one was not worn.

Someone is probably thinking, “I wouldn’t let someone else make so many decisions for ‘my mom’s’ funeral.” If you know me, I am a type A personality. I plan. I micro-manage. My role is usually helping others, not being the recipient of help. These next words I do not say lightly, let your friends take care of you. You spend this time grieving in whatever way speaks to you. Ask yourself what is most meaningful to your family in this situation. For us, readings and songs during the Mass, the protein source for family dinner following the viewing, and a few other details. Other than that, I said Yes to whatever my good friends pulled together and executed on my behalf.

I am eternally grateful for everyone, to all the named and unnamed that helped us through this week.

Considerations as you navigate the funeral process –

• If time allows, have conversations with your loved one about their wishes. Document the decisions so others can help execute them.
• Funeral homes offer pre planning services. Consider this option.
• Determine timeline for funeral, multiple factors contribute to this decision. The funeral director will help you determine this.
• Set up a communication tree. Establish a contact point for future updates.
• Meals – accept what your community offers. You are not “hosting” an event, you are grieving. Frozen lasagna, bagged salad and a baguette or Sam’s Club homemade pot pie are perfect if you are still responsible for meals.
• Lodging for out of town guests – do what is easiest and your family members can afford. Your home, a hotel, VRBO or AirBnB are all options.
• When friends offer to help, ACCEPT.
• Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you for being here with me,

Marguerite

I wish I had hugged you just a little bit tighter that day.

I didn’t know it was my last chance…

@paulaobrienofficial

**During the funeral mass, I sat on the pew and the church resounded with a strangely loud thud. Loud enough to demand my immediate investigation (while crying). To my surprize I located the anti theft device STILL ATTACHED to my dress!!! And yes, at least one guest wondered why I had it still on the dress. If buying new clothes, confirm the store has removed any anti theft devices prior to the ceremony. Just saying.